bedroom [excerpt from my journal]

You sit on my bed
notice my sheets,
stained with tears of the past, remains of my pains

You see my memories, hopes, future
all in the material of my room
-they were of no importance
until i died

You sit in my room-
admire my uncleanliness
realise what i went through
the hell of education
the hell of friends
the hell of love

You lay on my bed
turn on my stereo
my last CD still there
it sings "You did it to yourself"

you stare at the ceiling
watch the lights
enduring my conscience moments of deep thought

You find my episodes
hidden in the messgaes of the stars
my mind washed away by time

The pictures on the wall
detailing stages of my life
my family- a lovely bunch of strangers
wishing we had done better

You hear my sighs
though im gone
i whisper refrains of living
i have a slight edge of weeping
others laugh at my endeavors
my singing pierce the sky of wonders

You open my journal
explaining the thoughts over years
of confusion
my anger, tread, fears
deranged mentality of the sort

now you know

You follow me wherever I go
whatever feelings I had I don't show
all these words are sent right back to me

I refused your coat to keep myself cold
I told myself not to release my soul
whenever you call there's no one I want to meet

deny your invite, broke your heart
I left the city, it left me scarred
you ask me why, I’ll tell you now you see

I can't trust this heart of mine
it gives a glow of needless crime
a light that brings the life above
wont ever be the same I just wonder why I don't give up

this night I recall from time to time
reminds me of you, get the hell outta my mind
your tracks make me trip, now leave me alone please

you treat me right, but with endless pain
another night has come, don't be the same
money doesn’t count cos you’ll never win me free

no one can trust this heart of mine
it shines a light of needless crime
a path that brings the life above
wont ever be the same now I know why I don't give up

these days

I hear the running water through the years
my, my how the days go by
I try to make it right

me and you we used to ride on the blue
put sand in our shoes
watch the moon dance, just us two

I used to cry in bed
when all my dreams were dead
now I kneel to you instead

maybe I was a fool on love with you
before I heard the running water
it is getting softer and softer
and the drip stops

he stands

holding my hand up to your precious face
I see a man standing in your eyes
he’s waving a ticket to go to a place
where it is safe but I’m planted

we stop twice
the bus carries on with us inside
we look twice
nobody mentions a path to fly

I stare in the sun find a needle to blow
its end breaks my skin where I’m wounded
the pain is endless and there’s no where to go
the road leads on no reason to try

the venture is passed and no ones around
alone in misery the time passes
he once stood in the door and there he was found
the man standing was my cause to fly

now that were gone the boat is at sea
where it will go rests on his dream
only I stand now it’ll take over me
the motors ahead there’s no landing

DP

am i a displaced person
left out in an empty seaway
holding on for dear life
on a rotten warped piece of hope
which could only float for one thought?

this night of cumbersome love
has destroyed my sense of limit
where can i stretch the pain
of fearful loneliness that comes
to every room i enter?

a light leads the path to shine
while my soul is left behind
to cackle again with the others left
in a shadow of doubt and anger
that cleans free my mind of hate

this time has left me with no choice
but to believe i am displaced
where i am destined to be?
where is my mind and soul left free?
where can i find a place for this heart of me?